The One Phrase New Parents Actually Want To Hear

As New Parents, There’s So Much… I’ve been spending a lot of time talking with new and expecting parents, caregivers, and professionals working with young children. Having been through the “beginning” of parenthood with a new baby twice myself, each conversation brings up memories (and often a wave of emotions!), feelings of vulnerability and self-doubt, and also a sense of absolute awe for the new life and new beginning. Now that I’m no longer in “the thick of it,” I find myself on the outside looking in. I find that there are two polar extremes that we often see when it comes to life as a new parent, and neither of them are particularly healthy. We often get stuck in the two extremes of the portrayal of early parenthood: On the one side is this glowy, radiant, beautiful, “perfect” new relationship (that we often see on our Facebook or Instagram feed): a curated reality in which all things go swimmingly – the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period… in which breastfeeding is always easy, a partner is endlessly helpful, a baby is instantly sleeping through the night, an older sibling is calm and adaptable, and our own bodies snap back into shape with the flip of a switch. On the other side is the deep depths of darkness, where anxiety and comparison and cynicism rule, sleep deprivation and hormones make us totally loony tunes, where the only bedtime story in existence is “Go the &%!K to Sleep,” and where it feels like no one is there for us. Not even Dr. Google. The reality is that early parenthood is both of these things, and none of them, and we can flip from one to the next and back again in a matter of minutes (if not seconds). The Comparison Game Is Dangerous When we look at other new parents and caregivers, and other peoples’ babies, it’s impossible not to look back at ourselves in comparison. We see our babies as a reflection of ourselves, and we want them to do well. We want to provide the “best start” in life, just like Sally down the street who always seems to have it together (guess what: Sally hasn’t told you about her postpartum anxiety or about the difficulty she’s having with her partner or about the fact that her older child is driving her bonkers). We think we have to have “this learning toy” and “that set of high contrast black and white images.” We think we have to come up with activities that are super out-of-the-box and creative, or have a plan for this craft ready. We think we have to keep giving them something they haven’t seen before. So what’s the phrase that all new parents want to hear, you ask? “You’re Already Doing It.” Infants and toddlers are happy with Tupperware and old boxes, most of the time. Ok, so we don’t have to over-plan things. So the question becomes: how do we elicit the power of those natural objects? How do we insert ourselves in that play, too? It’s one thing to watch your baby entertain herself with Tupperware… but how do you get “in there” with them, and add to the activity without getting in the way or being overly directive? Am I Doing It Right? Am I Doing Enough? You want to do well. You want to feel like you’re not just “winging it.” And there’s also a matter of getting the most “bang for the buck:” if you’ve got 10-20 minutes to spend with your baby between the time yo...