From Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation: Parent-Child Interactions that Prepare Our Children for Life

From the earliest months of a baby’s life to the academic pressures and social dynamics of the teen years, children are learning and practicing how to understand and manage feelings, communicate their needs effectively and face challenges with strength and resilience. They are building “self-regulation,” the ability to calm down when they are upset and control the impulse to lash out in risky ways. And they are learning to try again when they fail or to use their best thinking to resolve a conflict or solve a difficult problem. But all of those skills that are part of self-regulation begin with “co-regulation,” in the context of a caring, responsive parent-infant relationship.   Joining our child in co-regulation is one of the most important responsibilities we have as parents, not only in the early years, but at every stage of our child’s development. In this Mom Enough episode, Melissa Williams from St. David’s Center for Child & Family Development (a longtime supporting partner of Mom Enough), joins Marti & Erin for an engaging and practical discussion about what is involved in co-regulation, with an emphasis on how to show, tell and practice together with our children. Melissa also highlights the importance of “rupture and repair,” describing how we can admit our mistakes at those times when we get it wrong with our kids (as we all do!), say we are sorry and tell our child what we will try to do differently the next time. And since kids learn best from the example we set, we need to be mindful at all times of our own self-regulation in those challenging moments of our lives. Don’t miss this important conversation about a developmental issue that touches every aspect of human behavior and relationships.   HOW MIGHT YOU JOIN YOUR CHILD IN CO-REGULATION? Whatever the ages of your children, think of two or three recent opportunities you have had to join your child in co-regulation of difficult feelings or situations. Consider how you responded to your child in each of those instances and reflect on how you were co-regulating your child’s feelings; how your way of responding is likely to help your child move toward healthy self-regulation. If the same situation happened again, what would you do the same and what would you do differently? Why?   WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT CO-REGULATION AND SELF-REGULATION? ❉ HELPING CHILDREN WITH ASD IMPROVE REGULATION AND FOCUS AT HOME AND SCHOOL: A CONVERSATION WITH KATE BIEDERMAN FROM ST. DAVID’S CENTER FOR CHILD & FAMILY DEVELOPMENT. As occupational therapist Kate Biederman describes in this Mom Enough episode, some children respond well to deep touch, while others find that aversive. Many children feel calm after they engage in what Kate calls “heavy work,” which includes climbing on a jungle gym or jumping on a mini-trampoline. While noise can be dysregulating, music with certain rhythms can be regulating and organizing. An uncluttered home environment and an unhurried schedule can help almost any child be calmer and more focused. As adults and children discover together what works, children ideally can build the self-awareness and independence to do what’s necessary when they begin to feel dysregulated. As Marti & Erin attest, it’s not only people with ASD who need to develop self-awareness and effective regulation. In our busy, noisy, fast-paced lives, these skills matter to all of us!   ❉ DISCOVERING WHAT WILL HELP YOUR CHILD DEVELOP SELF-REGULATION SKILLS: DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. One of the major developmental tasks in early childhood is self-regulation,