Ep. #67: The Power of No

The idea for this episode initially came from a phenomenon I have witnessed in a lot of new parents who are wanting to parent more gently, and that is an aversion to telling their child no.So I thought about calling this episode the fear of no.BUT the more I thought about it, the more I had to consider all of the families I've worked with whose children push back against hearing NO.So, I want to offer perspective on both sides so you can decide where you and your family land.We'll start where I started, with the fear of no.When my daughter was born, we lived in Boulder, Colorado, a place where many, many parents are doing their best to be forward-thinking and parent differently. So as she hit the toddler years, I noticed a theme in the words of the parents around me - "I try not to tell them no."And honestly, I get where they are coming from. They want their kids to be free to explore, to have the opportunity to just be kids, without a world of negativity raining down on them.The misconception, though, is in the idea that there's a problem with the word no. No is actually a very useful word in all sorts of contexts. It is really the intention behind the no that matters. So it makes sense to resist telling your child no if you don't have a good reason for the no. It makes sense to work on the reactions - the anger and frustration - that might get paired with a no for your child. But I want you to notice if you feel like saying no is mean. If you feel bad or guilty for telling your child no, even when it is a genuine response. No, we aren't going to be able to do that today. No, I can't let you wade into the rushing river. No, I can't let you chase a ball into a busy street. No, we're not going to buy a new computer.Now, maybe it's easy enough to shrug off the guilt when there is a clear safety issue at play. But think about the other contexts. Notice if you have a tendency to say "we'll see," when your child asks you a question that is actually a no because it feels gentler.It isn't gentler.This is a thought error.The most compassionate thing you can do in these situations is to communicate clearly.***This week is the week to register for the fall cohort of Intentional Legacy Creators. You can do that at my website, HTTP://partneredpath.com/intentional-legacy-creators/--- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/julia-mcgarey/support Get full access to The Blackbird Chronicles at juliamcgarey.substack.com/subscribe This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com