Minute 041: That’s His Problem

HOSTS: BRETT STILLO AND JOSH HOROWITZ FROM 5 MINUTES OF BANZAIThe Professor and four United States Intelligence Agency workers are gathered at a meeting, discussing Roger Thornhill. “Our non-existent decoy,” says The Professor, “George Kaplan, created to divert suspicion from our actual agent, has fortuitously become a live decoy.”“Yes, Professor,” replies Mrs. Finley, “But how long do you think he’ll stay alive?”“Well, that’s his problem,” says The Professor. “What Mrs. Finley means is -” begins another agent.“Oh, I know what she means,” says The Professor.“We can’t sit back calmly and wait to see who kills him first! Vandamm and company or the police?” asks another agent.“What can we do to save him without endangering our own agent?” replies The Professor.“Aren’t we being just a wee bit callous?” says Mrs. Finley.“No, my dear woman,” replies The Professor,”we’re not being callous. We didn’t invent our non-existent man and give him the name of George Kaplan, establish elaborate behavior patterns for him, move his prop belongings in and out of hotel rooms, for our own private amusement. We created George Kaplan and labored successfully to convince Vandamm that this was our own agent, hot on his trail, for a desperately important reason.”“Check,” says a third agent.“Nobody’s denying that!” says the first agent.