Being "Safe Spaces" For Our Kids

We know we have to be our kids’ soft place to fall. We understand why they absolutely fall apart after a long day at school. But does it really have to be Mom who always gets the worst of it?  Our listener Michelle wrote in to say: I have been pondering something I call the "Safe Space Paradox,” or why children behave so differently around their primary caregiver. I am repeatedly told by grandparents, teachers, my husband, that my children were "perfect angels" for them. And yet the minute I open the door it is a cue for my children to resume the whining, fighting, and crying.  I understand this is because of the deep emotional connection children form with their primary caregiver. But is there any research on ways to actually improve this? Or that I can actually enjoy this precious side of my children? In this episode, we discuss why kids really do save their worst behavior for us (and why we're part of the reason that can happen) how hard it can be to feel like the dirty hand towel for everyone's bad feelings strategies that work (a little) to help out-of-control kids contain their large feelings For more on "after school restraint collapse," check out our episode "Why 5 to 8 p.m. Is The Worst: How To Handle the After-School Crankies" Here are links to some writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Lauren Cahn for Reader's Digest: Here’s Why Kids Behave So Much Worse Around Their Parents Fern Weis for Motherly: The real reason your kids act worse for you than anyone else—and how to help Beth Shaw for Psychology Today: When Trauma Gets Stuck in the Body Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betabrand has reinvented comfort and style with their dress yoga pants, and we love ours! Get 30% off your first order when you go to Betabrand.com/LAUGHING. Daily Harvest delivers delicious harvest bowls, flatbreads, smoothies, and more, all built on organic fruits and vegetables. Go to dailyharvest.com/laughing to get up to $40 off your first box! Home.Made. Podcast is a terrific new podcast offering stories about the meaning of home in America. Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts! flowkey lets you learn piano at your own pace. Go to flowkey.com/whatfreshhell to receive 7 days of flowkey Premium for free and 20% off an annual subscription.  Indeed is the only job site where you're guaranteed to find quality applicants -- or else you don't pay! Upgrade your job post with a $75 sponsored job credit through March 31st at indeed.com/laughing. KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun. Get 30% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with code MOTHERHOOD. Membrasin is the totally natural, estrogen-free, clinically-proven feminine moisture formula. Go to membrasinlife.com and use the code FRESH10 to get 10% off. Native products keep you feeling and smelling fresh. Get 20% off your first order by going to nativedeo.com/fresh or by using the promo code FRESH. Parade underwear and loungewear are sustainable, size-inclusive, comfortable and fantastic! Go to Parade.com/Laughing and use the code LAUGHING for 20% off your first order.  Peloton has a workout for every goal, day, and mood: everything from boxing and dance cardio to yoga and meditation. Visit onepeloton.com to learn more. Prose now makes supplements personally tailored to address your specific cause of hair shedding. Get your free in-depth consultation and 15% off your custom hair supplements at prose.com/laughing.  School Toolbox makes shopping for school supplies for your kids easier– and also creates fundraising opportunities for your school! Find out more at schooltoolbox.com/whatfreshhell. Thrive Causemetics high-performing beauty and skin-care products are made with clean, skin-loving ingredients. Get 15% off your first order at thrivecausemetics.com/whatfreshhell.